Chapter 6

"Alex! Alex!" Paul called up the stairs for his wife.

They had eaten dinner practically in silence and then she had retreated to the nursery with Matthew. At the time it had made Paul feel completely helpless but now those feelings were pushed to the back of his mind. He and Alex would work through everything. It would just take some time. But right now their best friends needed them and that was going to have to take priority.

When Alex still didn’t answer he bound up the stairs two at a time. A quick check of the nursery showed that she wasn’t there although Matthew was asleep in his crib. He headed down the hall to their bedroom. The bathroom door was closed and he quickly burst in. They had never been modest about that kind of thing, and he expected to find Alex brushing her teeth. Instead he stopped in his tracks as he saw her standing in front of the sink, blouse opened, bra unclasped, just staring at herself in the mirror. She frantically pulled the edges of her shirt together and turned away.

"Don’t you ever knock?" she snapped, immediately regretting it.

It wasn’t his fault, but telling Jackie what had happened… even the very abbreviated version… had left her feeling as if Ron Bussey’s hands were still touching her. She had fought against it all afternoon, but just had to look at herself to see if she somehow looked different.

Paul took a step back and averted his eyes. "I’m sorry Alex. I didn’t think…" He clenched his hands tight. "Andrew just called. They took Monica off the terbutaline. They’re waiting for her to go into labor now. She’s asking for you."

Alex spun back around, hands still clutching her blouse. "Right now? She’s going to have the baby?"

"It looks that way," he replied, trying to lighten the atmosphere with a crooked grin.

Her mind whirled. Monica was going to have the baby. There wasn’t time for this crap now. Not now. Monica had done more for her then she could ever possibly repay, and she was going to just swallow everything else down and be there for her. There would be time enough to dredge things up later. She glanced at Paul’s still guilt-stricken face and her heart clenched with love for him.

"I… I’m sorry, Paul. I didn’t mean to snap at you." She shrugged. "Twice in one day… I guess I’m on a roll."

"Alex, don’t worry about it. You’re right. I shouldn’t have barged in."

She willed every bone in her body to step closer to him and reach up to touch his face. "Hey now… usually I like it when you barge in," she quipped, but her eyes lacked the spark that always accompanied her teasing.

Paul turned his head and kissed the palm of her hand. "We’ll get back to that," he promised. "Whatever it takes."

Her eyes filled and a trembling smile flitted across her face. "I know we will." She sniffed and blinked away her tears. "Now… just give me a few minutes and we’ll get going. Time to meet the newest little angel. I bet she’s just as stubborn as her mom!"

*****

Andrew got his wish for Monica to sleep, and when the Gatlins arrived with coffee an hour, later she was still dozing.

"No signs yet?" Alex whispered.

"Nothing, but the doctor stopped by just a minute ago and said it should be any time now."

‘Any time now’ turned out to be two hours later, just as Andrew was about to tear his hear out from the suspense of waiting. It started as a little groan from Monica, and then her eyes sprang open and her mouth opened into a perfect circle although no sound came out.

"Monica! Was that a contraction? What’s happening?" Andrew was at her side in a heartbeat.

Her eyes were still wide and she reached out to grab his hand. "Ohhhh, yes… I think this is it!" she exclaimed.

Alex smiled and moved to the other side of the bed while Paul turned a slightly lighter shade of white.

"Why don’t I go see if I can find the doctor," he offered, and before anyone could object, he was gone.

"The big baby," Alex said with a grin, then leaned down and whispered into Monica’s ear. "Really he just doesn’t like to see the people he loves in pain, but you’re gonna do just fine, Monica."

The wave of pain from the contraction slowly faded away and Monica nodded her head and took n a deep breath. "That was much stronger than the others I’ve had," she said with surprise.

"That’s good," Andrew told her. "Remember? That means you’re close. Looks like after all those false starts she’s decided to take it easy on you and give you a nice short labor." He smiled and squeezed her hand, wanting to give her as much support as possible.

They all waited with baited breath for the next contraction to hit, but the minutes passed by and nothing happened. Paul finally arrived back with the doctor and Monica looked at him expectantly. "I had one, but now it’s stopped!"

He gave a little chuckle and gently pushed the blankets off her legs. "Well, that’s not unexpected. It could be a little while before this little one decides it’s time to come out," he said, trying to be as gentle as possible as he felt how much she was dilated and effaced.

A second later and Monica let out a little squeak as another contraction hit hard, and suddenly warm fluid was splashing over her thighs and onto the bed.

"Remember how we learned," Andrew coached, encouraging her to breathe through the pain.

The doctor looked up and smiled. "Well, that was your water that just broke, so I’d say we are definitely going to have a baby tonight! Sit tight and I’ll send a delivery nurse in and get a birthing room ready for you."

"Is she okay? Is she going to be okay?" Monica asked frantically as soon as the pain ebbed.

Dr. Greenburg pointed to the baby’s monitor. "Her little heart is beating just fine, Monica. Nothing for you to worry about except getting prepared to push!"

As the doctor departed Andrew watched his wife carefully, seeing apprehension in her eyes and he could easily read the wide range of emotions. She was afraid, both for the baby’s safety and in knowing that she was about to experience labor and birthing, "It’s going to be fine, angel. Alex and I will be right here with you, the whole time."

"I know and I’m so thankful for that," Her voice trembled slightly as she held onto his hand tightly. Turning to Alex, she added softly, "Thank you for being here."

The simple words held more meaning then just the obvious and Alex patted her arm as she blinked back tears, "Nothing could have kept me away, honey. Absolutely nothing."

*****

It was nearing one ‘o clock in the morning and both Andrew and Alex knew that the little angel was bordering on exhaustion. Her weeks in bed had not done her service with her stamina and she would wearily try to doze in between contractions, but she was finally nearly dilated to ten centimeters and Andrew was growing worried about her ability to get through the most difficult part.

Even Dr. Klein, who had finally arrived, seemed agitated with how long the baby was taking to move to the birth canal and when Monica was finally fully dilated, she breathed a sigh of relief, "Hang tough with me, Monica. With this next one, you finally get to push, so get ready."

Monica opened her red rimmed eyes and managed a nod. Andrew and Alex were bookends on either side of her and her anxiety shot up a level as Alex suddenly gripped her hand tightly. She wanted to question her friend, but a fraction of a second later the contraction hit and her query was answered.

The contraction was more painful than any that had come before, nearly stealing her breath, but hearing Dr. Klein’s reminder to push, she held Andrew and Alex’s hands in a death grip as she obeyed. She didn’t utter a sound, but her eyes were closed tightly, her face red with her exertion and tears slipped from beneath her dark lashes.

"You’re doing fine, baby," Andrew encouraged, though his own voice wavered over the pain she was in and for a moment he felt like a complete bastard for impregnating her in the first place.

"This is the hardest part, girl, but you’re doing great, Monica," Though tired herself, Alex was hell bent on staying positive and upbeat. Paul had been wonderful while she had been having Matthew and she felt a pang in her heart at the thought of her husband. She needed to get her emotions under control. She was snapping at him constantly and he was feeling terrible and he wasn’t even saying or doing anything wrong. He was feeling his way in the dark as best as he could and she wasn’t making it easy for him.

The minutes turned into an hour and as another contraction passed, Monica collapsed back on her pillow, taking in ragged breaths. She couldn’t remember ever feeling so tired. All she wanted was for the pain to stop and to be able to sleep. It was a moment of irrational thinking, but her next thought was that angels surely must give birth to four year old babies.

"Angel?"

She looked up at him with tears slipping from her eyes, "I… can’t do this, Andrew…I’m tired…I’m so, so tired," Her voice caught in a sob and she could barely see him through the tears. His soft and gentle hand against her face, caused another tiny sob to escape. It felt warm and strong, certain.

"I know how tired you are, sweetheart and if I could do this for you, I would. However, that isn’t possible though I don’t think it is entirely fair that all the work has to fall on your little shoulders. Hold on to me, baby. Let me be your strength."

Alex watched and fought back tears as Andrew kissed his wife tenderly and then wrapped his arm around her shoulders, his free hand holding tightly to hers. The moment was so intimate that she felt that she shouldn’t even have been present for it, but on the other hand, she found herself thinking again about her own husband. Andrew’s words to Monica were so similar to the things Paul had been trying to tell her. That he would do anything to help see her through this, that he loved her, that he would never go away. He was willing to shoulder the burden with her or for her to the best of his ability. All she had to do was let him.

"Okay, Monica, you’re nearly there," Dr. Klein’s voice broke into her thoughts as Alex reached for her friend’s hand once more, "Give me all you have this time. This little girl is almost here."

Alex felt tears escaping her eyes as the contraction hit and Andrew held onto her tightly, whispering words she was unable to hear in Monica’s ear. Tiny whimpers of pain were escaping the angel, but she was nodding her head in response to him and at one point, a sound that was half sob, half laugh escaped her.

Monica suddenly felt intense relief and a moment later, Dr. Klein’s voice sounded with what she had been longing to hear.

"Monica, you have a baby girl!"

Andrew felt tears wet his eyes as his wife began to cry in earnest and they watched the doctor cut the umbilical cord before the baby was whisked away. He was immediately aware of Monica’s distress.

"Where are they taking her? What’s wrong? Why did they take her away?" Andrew was wiping at her tears as fast as they came and was grateful when Alex gently reminded them.

"They’ll check her heart and her lungs, honey and make sure she is okay. They’ll clean her up and bring her right back. She isn’t far, Monica," Alex indicated across the room and she smiled when the newest baby angel began to cry, "I’d say her lungs are perfectly healthy by the sounds of it."

The next twenty minutes were a blur to Monica as she was forced to push again to rid her body of the placenta, but her energy had been temporarily renewed. She just wanted to hold her daughter in her arms just like she had dreamed of doing for the past eight months, ever since finding out she was pregnant. There was nothing about her body that didn’t feel tired, but her swollen eyes were alert, the cry of her infant daughter causing her heart and arms to ache.

Andrew had been wonderful, wiping at her forehead with a damp clothe and giving her ice chips for her increasingly dry throat, but she remained anxious until she finally saw Dr. Klein approaching, a white bundle cradled in her arms.

"You have a perfectly healthy little girl, Monica," She smiled, laying the infant in her patient’s arms, "Six pounds, five ounces and doing just fine."

As the baby was settled into Monica’s arms the little angel began to cry again, hardly daring to believe that she had finally arrived; that she was holding her beautiful little girl in her arms. She loosened the blanket slightly and revealed tiny arms and tiny little hands with fingers that instinctively latched around hers, leading her to let out another little sob.

"She’s here… she’s here and she’s so perfect… so beautiful," Monica managed to choke out through her tears.

Andrew had his arm wrapped around his wife and he kissed the side of her head, barely restraining his own tears. "Of course she is. She looks just like you," he whispered. He traced one finger along the miniature cheek and Monica drew in a breath as the baby opened her little eyes and looked up at them for the first time. Her eyes were light blue and even though they both knew she was only seeing fuzzy edges the were struck with the uncanny feeling that she was staring right into their souls.

"She has your eyes," Monica murmured and she reached for Andrew’s hand.

"They’re blue, angel, like all babies’ eyes," Andrew said with a smile.

"No… I can tell… they’re going to turn green," she insisted.

Andrew kissed her again and held her hand as tightly as he dared. "Whatever you say, angel. Whatever you say." He pulled away slightly and rubbed his thumbs across her cheeks, sweeping away her tears.

Standing off to one side, Alex witnessed everything and felt her own throat begin to close with emotion. She swallowed it down and walked closer to the bed, an enormous smile stretching across her face. This was what mattered. Life.

"She’s beautiful," she told them, leaning down to kiss Monica’s forehead, "and you did so great."

"You helped too," Monica replied, a watery smile beaming through. "Thank you, Alex. Thank you so much."

"Oh, hush now. You’re gonna make me get all mushy. I didn’t do anything. You were the one doing all the work."

Monica didn’t say anything, but her eyes locked with her friends’ and a wealth of feeling passed between them that brought the knot instantly back to Alex’s throat.

"I… I’m just going to leave you two alone and go tell, Paul the good news," she said, as she quickly blinked to clear her eyes. A moment later and she had turned and left the room.

Andrew leaned close again and kissed her lightly on the lips. "She’s right, angel… you did great. I’m so proud of you. After everything that’s happened you still amaze me with your strength."

She looked up at him with tears returning to her eyes. "I borrowed yours… remember?"

He closed his eyes and just wrapped his arms around his little family, barely noticing that the doctors and nurses left to give them a few minutes alone. When he pulled back he looked down at his daughter and felt his heart expand. He thought he had loved her completely even when she was in the womb, but now he saw how much more love he was capable of and it stole his breath away.

He carefully reached out to touch the back of her hand, marveling at how just the tip of his finger nearly covered it. "So, now that she’s here… I think naming her may be in order."

Monica nodded, still smiling and gazing down at their little girl.

"I had a couple of thoughts last night, while you were sleeping," Andrew said, clearing his throat of the emotion that lingered there.

"You did?"

He nodded and held her tighter. "I kept thinking about how lucky I am to have you, how lucky we’ve both been to be so blessed with what we share together and how she is one more gift. We’ve been through so much, Monica… especially you… but God has been there for us the whole time. Watching over us, touching us in such unexpected ways, and always loving us. She isn’t just the product of our love for each other. She’s the embodiment of His love for us."

Monica was in tears again and she kissed the baby’s head and then turned her dark eyes to Andrew, knowing that her heart was beating in time with his even if she couldn’t feel it. "Grace. You want to call her Grace."

His tears spilled over as he nodded his head and then kissed them both.

"It’s the perfect name, Andrew. Perfect in every way."

"Just like her, angel. I love you both so much, Monica. I can’t even explain where the feelings are coming from anymore."

"I know just what you mean… I didn’t think my heart could get any fuller… but somehow it has. I love you, and I love our little baby Grace, and I love that we are going to spend a wonderful life together."

*****

Paul immediately rose to his feet when he saw Alex approaching. Things had taken much longer than he had anticipated and he had spent a great deal of time pacing the waiting room floor and praying that Andrew and Monica’s daughter would come safely into the world. Now, the look on Alex’s face told him that his prayers had been answered.

"She’s beautiful and perfectly healthy," His wife announced before he could even ask the questions, "And both parents are doing just fine as well, other than being relatively wiped out."

He grinned tiredly, seeing the fatigue in her eyes as well. He longed to wrap her up tightly in his arms, but he wasn’t sure if that was still allowed and he didn’t want to push his luck, "That’s wonderful news, Alex," He loved seeing a glimpse of the old sparkle in her eyes. At the very least, she was happy for their best friends, "You’re looking a little worn down yourself, honey," He commented carefully.

"Well, it is after three ‘o clock in the morning, so I think that is allowed," She smiled, but then it faded looking into his eyes. She could see the deep love for her in his eyes, so much the same as the way Andrew had been looking at Monica just minutes ago. Maybe it was that she was feeling exhaustion and great emotion over just witnessing a miracle, but she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his neck tightly, "Please. Be patient with me, Paul," Alex whispered urgently as she felt his arms enfold her, "I love you so much. I do. I just…I need a little time before I can talk about any of it."

He felt tears wet his eyes as he rubbed her back gently, "I will always be patient with you, baby. I love you, Alex and can wait as long as you need me to," He closed his eyes, savoring the feeling of her in his arms, not knowing when the opportunity would again present itself. It made him very reluctant to release her, so they simply held each other for a few moments.

"Thank you," She uttered softly as they slowly pulled back, "And just so you know, you’ve been perfect through all of this. I’m the one who hasn’t been."

"Anything you are feeling, Alex, is perfectly normal and justified," He insisted, unable to resist lightly touching her cheek and watching as tears filled her eyes, "You’re tired and I’m sure the new mother is as well, so how about we go home and come back in the morning so I can meet the newest addition to the family?"

Not trusting herself to speak, she nodded her head and then hesitantly accepted his hand as he offered it. As his fingers closed around it, she marveled at how safe he could make her feel with such a simple gesture. She desperately needed to find a way to work through this so that she could get back to the most important thing in her world. Him.

*****

The machines were removed and for the first time in weeks, Monica found herself with nothing attached to her. They had taken Grace to run a few more tests, just to be on the safe side and though she was instantly anxious once more, Andrew was able to persuade her to eat a little something. He knew more than anything that she needed to sleep as dawn was quickly approaching, but knew she would be unable to rest easily until their daughter was back in the room with them.

"Maybe I should take a little walk to start trying to get my strength back," She commented, her eyes remaining on the door to her room, wishing the nurse would return with her baby.

"Not tonight, angel," Andrew admonished gently. He was sitting on the bed next to her, holding onto her hand and his other arm wrapped around her, "Tonight you need to rest," He grinned tiredly, "Actually, it’s nearly morning, so you really need to rest."

She worked her bottom lip for a moment and then, "Do you think she is all right?"

"Yes, baby. I think she is just fine."

"I miss her," The words were a whisper and nearly accompanied by tears.

"Me too," He kissed her softly, his fingers tracing along her cheek. He was already wondering how he was ever going to go back to work again and then just that thought alone reminded him of the man he had killed only a few days ago. He knew that he needed to make that confession to his wife, but how and when did he open those old memories for her again, especially now when she was so happy?

He didn’t have a chance to continue his train of thought as the door opened and one of Monica’s nurses walked into the room carrying Grace in her arms and the negative thoughts quickly fled his mind almost as quickly as the smile crossed his wife’s face.

"The doctor said everything is fine, Monica," She assured instantly as she gently settled the baby into her mother’s arms, "All that is left before you can sleep is to see if she will nurse."

The little angel’s gaze fell down to the baby in her arms and she found her eyes once again misting over. Monica wasn’t sure if it was just having Grace here at long last or just being so tired that was making her so tearful, but regardless, they were happy tears, "Hello, little Grace," She whispered, kissing the top of her daughter’s head softly.

The nurse helped guide Monica verbally until the baby was contently nursing against her breast before she quietly excused herself leaving the new family alone.

Andrew wouldn’t have been able to speak even if he had wanted to as he watched Grace nurse. The vision was beautiful and Monica had tears falling from her eyes the entire time. His wife then turned her dark eyes to him and smiled softly, "You haven’t gotten to hold her yet."

There was the slightest trace of fear in his expression, but even more eagerness as Monica carefully handed the baby to him. He took her delicately into his arms and wasn’t surprised to find tears in his own eyes once more. She was so tiny, so petite and a miniature version of her mother, "Hello there, little angel girl," He whispered once he was finally able to speak, "Welcome to the world, Grace and let me be the first to assure of just how incredibly loved you already are."

Monica rested her head back against his shoulder peacefully as he kissed the top of their daughter’s head and held her in his arms until she fell asleep. He then laid her down tenderly in the little bassinet beside of the bed and was unable to resist kissing her once more.

"She’s so beautiful," He stated softly as he moved back to the bed and to his place with Monica in his arms, kissing her lips softly and watching the sleepy smile cross her face.

"Beautiful and perfect," She sighed, curling to snuggle closer to him as her eyes began to drift closed, "I thought the husbands were supposed to be out handing out cigars or something," She teased on a yawn.

"What? And miss this?" His lips brushed her forehead as he pulled the blanket up over her shoulders, "No, angel. I have all I need right here. My sweet, beautiful wife, and my incredible baby daughter. There is no where else I’d ever want to be."

Monica smiled as she wrapped her arm around his waist, feeling perfectly content, "I love you more with each breath I take, Andrew." She whispered as exhaustion took over and she drifted off to sleep.

He watched her for a moment, before closing his own eyes and replying, "You are each breath I take, Monica. Now and forever."

Chapter 7

Back at the Gatlin house, Alex fell asleep almost instantly, and just as before, she cuddled into her husband’s arms. Despite all her misgivings she couldn’t imagine not waking up in his embrace. She’d already had one night without him, and the imaginings of a dozen more. Paul closed his eyes as he tightened his arms around her, very grateful that her earlier distance hadn’t followed her to bed. Maybe it was just emotion and exhaustion, but he would take what he could get.

He knew that he was supposed to be exhausted himself, but he lay awake for a long time, feeling the pleasant weight of her in his arms and listening to the smooth, even sound of her breathing. She hadn’t actually told him anything, but she had opened herself to him. She had asked him for his patience and as with anything else in his control, he would give it to her.

Paul knew that he had slept only because when he next opened his eyes a nearly blinding light was coming through the window. Squinting, he got out of bed and padded over to look outside. It had snowed almost five inches and the bright white powder reflected even the dim sunlight that filtered down through a thin layer of clouds. Shaking his head he glanced at the clock. When the hell had five inches of snow fallen? His eyes widened as he saw that it was almost eleven-thirty. A slow smile crept across his face. He had a feeling that Andrew had not gotten quite as much sleep.

Quietly he made his way back to bed and slipped into his place behind Alex, spooning in behind her body and hoping to get a few more blissful moments before she woke up. Unfortunately almost as soon as his arm settled around her waist she began to stir.

"Mnnngg?" she gurgled unintelligibly.

"Late morning, actually," Paul answered. It was his job to understand even her mumbles.

"Ee?"

"Yeah, really. But just relax, baby. We don’t have to rush off anywhere."

Alex slowly rolled over and blinked her eyes open, then shielded them against the light. "Snowed?" She was still only capable of one word sentences.

"About five inches."

She nodded and let out a sigh as she leaned her head against his shoulder the way she always did on lazy mornings. Even in her slightly muddled state she wondered at the fact that some things still felt so perfectly right.

"We should go ho’ptal," she murmured, graduating to a pre-school vocabulary.

"Let’s just lie here for a few more minutes," Paul said as he closed his eyes. "You were afraid you might never get to sing to Matthew. I was afraid I would never get another morning like this," he whispered.

Her breath hitched and released in a shudder. "So was I."

"I am so glad that we were both wrong."

*****

Morning in the hospital was slightly less peaceful and began quite a bit earlier.

Grace’s tiny cry was more like a whimper, but Monica woke instantly and Andrew was blinking just a moment later. Exhaustion was still written plainly on both of their faces, but the prize for that exhaustion was so sweet that neither of them minded. Andrew quickly gathered up their daughter and brought her back to the bed where Monica happily began to nurse her. It was such an incredible connection and so far beyond her imagination that it brought a quick tear to her eye again and she had to blink it away.

"I’ll never get tired of seeing you two like that," Andrew said, echoing her sentiment.

Monica looked up and smiled at him. "I just wish you could feel everything I’m feeling right at this moment," she said quietly.

"Believe me, Monica, I’m feeling something very special too… a love that just keeps growing the longer I look at you."

Her smile widened and then she reached out to pull him down onto the bed next to her. "Do you think we’ll be able to take her home soon?"

It was impossible to miss the little angel’s meaning. She had spent more than enough time in the hospital and did not want to spend one moment longer than necessary.

"I think so. The doctors all seemed very happy with how she was doing."

Monica looked up, slightly doubtful. "But what about me? I can barely get around. What if they say I’m not ready to take care of her? I don’t want to stay here anymore, Andrew."

"Honey, I don’t think they’re going to say that, and you know I’ll be there to help you and I’m sure Alex will too."

At that moment the door opened and both of Monica’s doctors walked in. They were both smiling and their expressions helped to ease some of Monica’s fears.

"Well, it looks like mother and child are doing just fine," Dr. Klein said as she approached them.

"Much better now that I’m not being pricked by needles and pulled by wires," Monica said with a small grin.

"Oh, and I suppose this little bundle has nothing to do with your current state of wellbeing," Dr. Greenburg teased.

"Actually, she has everything to do with it," Monica replied quietly.

"Monica was just wondering when she and Grace would be able to go home."

"Dr. Greenburg and I were discussing that on our way to your room. All of Grace’s scans came back fine. Her right lung is very slightly underdeveloped, but it will continue to grow until she’s eight years old or so, and shouldn’t pose a problem. Officially she could be released as early as today."

"Today?" Monica was shocked.

"Yes, but that brings us to you. You’ve been through a tremendous amount of stress throughout this pregnancy and taking care of a baby full time is no cake-walk. We’d like to keep you for one more night, just so that you can gather a little more strength."

Monica looked disappointed but a slight squeeze from Andrew and a glance at Grace eased her heart. "Just one more night?"

"Just one. We’ll check you out tomorrow and if everything looks good you’ll be home in time for dinner," Dr. Klein answered.

Andrew smiled and rested his hand on Grace’s head. "I think we can all live with that."

The morning at the hospital was filled with more feedings for Grace with the two angels dozing in between until Dr. Greenburg reappeared to remind Monica she should try to do a bit of walking. She was instantly anxious about leaving the sleeping Grace even long enough to walk down the hall and back, and tried to convince Andrew to stay with the baby, but he was determined his wife not venture out of the room without him by her side. It was Becky, the nurse on dayshift, who solved the dilemma by offering to stay with Grace until they returned.

The first walk of the morning was exhausting for Monica, after being in bed for so long, not to mention currently being sleep deprived, but she was determined, and after a mid morning nap and a bit more free time from Becky, her second outing was a bit better and instead of having Andrew’s arm wrapped around her waist, she held onto his hand. Walking together, hand in hand was a feeling she had missed over the past several weeks and one look up at her husband told her that he was feeling the same thing.

They had just finished lunch and Monica had just finished nursing Grace once more when the door to her room opened and an enormous bouquet of flowers accompanied by a balloon bouquet and a huge, soft, pink teddy bear walked into the room. Though their faces couldn’t be seen through the gifts, Monica giggled and Andrew shook his head, both already knowing that Paul and Alex were hiding behind them.

"Flowers and balloons for the new mother, a pink teddy for the new addition and you," Paul remarked to Andrew as he sat down the flowers on Monica’s nightstand, "get nothing as you already have it all."

"Definitely the truth," Andrew grinned, looking down at his wife and daughter with tender eyes.

"Yeah, and don’t you forget it, ya big lug," Alex teased, hugging the new daddy tightly.

Monica’s eyes, though still tired, were sparkling happily as Paul bent down to kiss her cheek, before looking at the baby in her arms, "She’s beautiful, honey and Alex told me what a trooper you were in the wee hours of the morning."

"Tell me you have finally decided on a name," Alex grinned as she looked hopefully at Monica, and her friend clearly read her request and lifted the baby so that Alex could hold her.

"Grace." Monica replied softly, reaching for Andrew’s hand and feeling him taking it in both of his.

"Perfect, in every way," She agreed, holding Grace close to her, "Wow. Hard to believe that Matthew was ever this tiny."

"Seems a long time ago," Paul agreed, peering over her shoulder, watching as the baby blinked at them sleepily, "Now he’s a big bruiser!"

"Well, this one is gonna be tiny like her mom," Alex decided, kissing Grace’s head tenderly.

Taking a seat on the other side of Monica, Paul leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest, "So, when are they springing you from this joint?"

"If she behaves herself, tomorrow," Andrew teased gently.

"I wish I could talk them into today, but I’ll settle for tomorrow," The little angel remarked with a small sigh. She missed their home, and Lucy and Hope and she longed to settle Grace into the nursery that she and Andrew had worked on together.

Alex was already wondering how quickly she could get a baby shower together for her friend. With spending nearly two months in bed, it hadn’t allowed her to throw one and it certainly hadn’t allowed Monica to get together all the little bits and pieces she would need. Perhaps with a few phone calls this afternoon, she could have something ready to surprise her with by the weekend and it definitely gave Alex something else to focus on other than what she was trying so hard to avoid dealing with.

"You know I’ll be around to help you," She remarked with a smile, "Especially with you working at getting back up to your normal energy level."

"Working on that already. Did two laps around this floor already today," Monica informed her with a little grin, "But yes, help would be much appreciated," She looked over at her friend and it would have been impossible to miss the look in the angel’s eyes. It was clear that Monica wanted that help to go both ways.

"Done," Alex replied as she prepared to lay Grace back in her mom’s arms, but Paul stopped her as he stretched out his arms and wiggled his fingers.

"Gimme," He winked, the tough guy obviously not willing to miss his chance to hold the baby.

"Ya big softie," Alex chuckled as she handed Grace off to him.

"Nah, just a sucker for a pretty face," He retorted, cradling Grace in his arms almost reverently, "Besides, never saw a baby angel before."

"I think that technically, she is a baby human," Andrew corrected, smiling as his wife snuggled closer to him.

"With this sweet face?" Paul shook his head determinedly, "Nope, definitely all angel."

Kissing the top of Monica’s head, Andrew relented thoughtfully, "As she is just like her mama, Paul, I think you are actually right."

*****
Home.

Where once the word had meant being surrounded by the presence of the Father, now it held an entirely different meaning that was every bit just as sweet and Monica smiled contently as she carried Grace into the house the next afternoon with Andrew protectively at her side.

"This feels so perfect," She whispered softly, being careful not to wake up Grace who was fast asleep in her arms.

Andrew nodded his head in agreement, unable to keep from smiling over having his family all back at home again, "Let’s get her upstairs, sweetheart," He laid a hand on her shoulder to guide her, "Can you make it okay?"

"Yes. I feel better than I have in a long time," Monica replied, though she smiled over the fact that he kept a hand on her waist as they walked upstairs.

She laid the sleeping infant down in her crib and tenderly covered her with a blanket before Andrew wrapped his arms around her and they watched Grace sleep peacefully. After a moment, Monica turned around in his arms and reached up to wrap her arms around his neck, pulling him down for a deep kiss. It took him briefly by surprise, but a second later, his hands were against her face. Though he knew it would still be a few weeks before her body was healed enough for him to be able to make love to her, the kiss was every bit as sweet.

"I love you," She whispered once their lips parted as her hand lingered against his face, "And I love her and I’m not sure that I have ever been so happy, Andrew."

"Neither have I, Monica," Andrew replied but suddenly in the back of his mind he was reminded of what he hadn’t yet told her and he knew it was going to linger there until he did. But that wasn’t going to happen today. Today was their homecoming and he was going to celebrate it with his whole heart.

"I don’t want to leave the room," she whispered. "I could just watch her all day long."

He chuckled slightly at that, realizing that he felt almost the same way. "I know, but you can’t. You still need to get your own strength back, and that includes eating and sleeping. You heard what the doctor said: when she sleeps, you sleep."

Monica rolled her eyes but let herself lean into his strong embrace. "Okay, you big bully. If you insist. Will you stay with her?"

He hugged her tightly and rested his chin on the top of her head. This was why he loved her so much. "We have a baby monitor, angel."

She raised her eyes and let her lower lip protrude slightly. "Please?"

Smiling he shook his head indulgently; as if he could ever deny her anything. "Of course I will. I’ll stay right in here. I’ve got some reports to read and Grace’ll keep me company."

Monica’s light laugh filled his ears for the first time in weeks and he couldn’t help chuckling along with her. "Grace will be asleep," she teased.

"Yes, and that makes her the perfect reading company. Nice and quiet, not like some chatty little angels I could mention." Their bantering felt so right, so comfortable after the weeks and weeks of not being able to make light about anything.

"Oh yeah?" she replied, a little fire in her dark eyes.

"Yeah," he said as he kissed the tip of her nose, "but luckily I happen to really love chatty little angels, and I hope Grace grows up to be one too. We just need to figure out how to make sure she has an adorable Irish accent."

Monica tried valiantly to keep the laugh welling within her breast from bubbling out. "You think so?"

"Definitely."

She lost the battle and melted against him as she giggled. "I’ll read to her a lot. Maybe that will do the trick."

Andrew continued to hold her close and he gave her one final squeeze before releasing her. "Okay, enough stalling. Get to bed. I’ll bring her in to you if she makes so much as a peep."

Still smiling, Monica stood on her toes and kissed him lovingly. "Thank you, Andrew… for being such a wonderful husband… and a perfect daddy."

"You make it easy, Monica."

True to his word, Andrew brought Grace to his wife when the baby awoke hungry and ready to be fed, then he held his wife in his arms, watching their daughter nurse, never tiring of the sight or the incredible sense of love it made him feel. When the doorbell rang, he gave a sigh, hating to be pried away from the two most wonderful ladies in his life.

"Be right back, angel, but be ready as you may have company."

"Stall them a few minutes. I think Grace is nearly full," Monica smiled, watching him leave the room and she sighed softly. She supposed that being with him should be the furthest thing from her mind, but she missed that connection and despite all she had been through, watching him caused her breath to catch in her throat.

Grace finished and the little angel pulled her sweater back down as she lifted the baby to her shoulder and gently patted her back for a few minutes before settling her in her arms. Yes, Grace’s eyes would surely turn green, just like Andrew’s, while the wisps of hair on her daughter’s head were reddish brown. The baby was a mirror image of her parents, brought into this world by the love that she and Andrew shared and she smiled contentedly.

"Your daddy is going to steal your heart too, little Grace," Monica informed her daughter as she kissed the top of her head and then she looked up as she heard a clatter on the stairs.

Andrew and Paul entered the room carrying the bassinet with Alex following looking quite pleased with herself and Monica gasped at just how pretty the gift was.

"Looks like Alex knows you well, angel," Andrew grinned as he and Paul set up the bassinet near Monica’s side of the bed.

"Oh Alex, it’s beautiful!" Monica uttered in reply, handing the baby to Andrew so she could get up and hug her friend, "Thank you! Thank you so much."

Alex smiled, returning the embrace, "I knew you wouldn’t want her in the nursery at night, honey, but closer to you and Andrew. It will help with those three am feedings, especially since your husband can’t." She winked teasingly as she pulled away.

"I’m sure he’ll at least keep me company in the middle of the night," Monica smiled, looking over at her husband lovingly. Yes, her life was indeed perfect.

"Count on it, baby," He replied, kissing her cheek before he laid Grace down in her newest bed, "Paul, I have a few questions on those reports you left for me," It was really a lie, but Andrew had a feeling that Monica could do with some time alone with Alex and work was the easiest way to get Paul out of the room.

The ploy worked easily enough and a minute later, Monica looked back at her friend and indicated for her to have a seat on the bed. Alex looked somewhat hesitant, but accepted the invitation.

"So, are you settling in with motherhood?" Safe ground. Talk about anything other than herself.

"Slowly, though it has only been a day and I’ve slept through most of it. I’m still tiring easily."

"You will for a bit, but your strength will be back before you know it," Alex assured her, "It’s a lot to deal with at first."

"Yes, but I know I’m not alone in it. Andrew wants to do everything he can to help me…just like Paul wants to do with you."

The point had been clearly made and Alex averted her eyes as she looked down at the sleeping baby, "I know. Some things just aren’t that easy to share though."

The haunted look in Alex’s blue eyes was impossible to miss and Monica reached for her hand, clearly able to tell that at the moment, Alex was in that horrible basement, "Tell me what happened?"

Everything in her wanted to protest, change the subject or insist that nothing at all had happened, and Alex was shocked to suddenly find herself talking, "I didn’t fight him, Monica. I…I was afraid to. Afraid he’d kill me and all I wanted was to get back to my family. So I didn’t fight. Hell, I even took off my own fucking clothes when he asked me to. I let him…touch me…then when he threatened to whip me, I did what he wanted and told the rotten son of a bitch I loved him," Tears welled up in her eyes and she shook her head angrily, "He didn’t hurt me, so I have nothing to be crying about. I didn’t go through what you went through and I feel like a fucking idiot because I’m still upset, because I’ve built up a wall between Paul and I. You were a victim, not me. I’m just a damn crybaby-."

"Stop it!" Monica’s voice held anger that was so unlike her, it caused Alex to look at her in utter shock. The little angel’s cheeks were tinged with anger and Alex was certain her friend was feeling absolute fury at her even having the audacity to compare her own experience to Monica’s rape. But when the angel continued, her words were not at all what Alex expected.

"Don’t you dare sit here and belittle yourself like that, Alex! Sexual assault is just that…and it doesn’t matter what the level of that assault is. It still hurts and it still makes you feel terrible inside. The differences between our experiences are very different, yes, but not just in the outcome," She closed her eyes to summon her strength to talk about the time she put so much energy into forgetting, "When William Grady raped me, I was an angel. I had no family to lose and angels can’t die. I fought him out of fear, knowing he couldn’t kill me. Deep in my heart, I knew that. I had nothing to lose. You were abducted, knowing full well that you were dealing with a murderer! You did as he asked because the threat was there and it was easier to obey what he was asking then to risk dying and knowing what Paul and Matthew would go through if that happened. I can’t even imagine how difficult that must have been for you, but I can’t believe you would feel guilty about telling me!" Monica had tears in her eyes as she saw the ones trailing down Alex’s face, "If he touched you, Alex, he raped you in some way. He took something from you that you didn’t want to give him. You didn’t choose to submit to him…you chose to live!"

"But maybe…maybe if I had fought him…" Alex was crying, the pain from that terrible day and night releasing itself for the first time. When she had cried in Paul’s arms after he found her, it had been in relief that he was there and that she was alive, "Maybe I would have won…"

"And maybe you would have lost," Monica interrupted softly, "And you had so much to lose, Alex, and so did Paul and Matthew. You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing at all. This wall you are building with Paul has to come down. He was so worried, Alex. We talked that morning before he found you and the pain in his eyes over possibly losing you hurt to see. He loves you completely and no matter how the whole thing went down, he will never blame you for any of it. He’s just so thankful to have you back."

She shook her head and lowered her eyes, "I just keep thinking about Andrew, and how important it was to him that you fought…I didn’t…I…"

"Andrew blamed himself and at times I think he still does. I told him I was looking for him when it happened and he will always feel that he should have been there. Neither you nor Paul had any idea that you were a target for this man, this killer. The other victims may have fought him, Alex and they died. But you, you aren’t a victim but a survivor and you always have been. This just proves it even more."

"I don’t know about that," Alex replied after a long breath. "I don’t feel much like a survivor right now. I don’t even feel like myself half the time," she murmured.

Monica gently placed Grace in the new bassinet and then wrapped her arms around her friend. "It will come, Alex. It’s just going to take some time. You need to give yourself that time and stop blaming yourself for needing it."

"You think?"

"I absolutely know," she answered. "And you know what else I know? I know that if you let Paul help you…"

"I want to. I do." She sighed and sat down on the corner of the bed. "It’s just so hard… so hard to tell him…"

"Of course it is, because you love him."

"Yeah. I guess that’s the sucky part about bein’ in love," Alex said wryly.

Monica let herself laugh. "I don’t know if I’d call it sucky, but can make things harder sometimes. You’ll know when you’re ready, Alex. and he’ll be there for you whenever that time comes."

Alex leaned back on her hands and stared up at her friend. "You know, for someone who’s been married half as long as me, you sure do know a lot."

Grace fussed slightly and Monica instantly bent to pick her up as she replied, "And learning more every day."

Chapter 8

The next few days passed by with an almost normal regularity for Alex. She spent most of the day with Monica, helping with Grace, and giving Andrew a hand with the housecleaning. The blond angel had been forced back to work earlier than expected. He hadn’t told Monica the real reason, but the truth was that with the shooting of Bussey, Andrew now had a lot of questions to answer. There was paperwork to fill out, psych exams to take, endless interviews about how he ‘felt’ about what he’d done and whether it had been necessary. He hated it and tried to leave it all at the office, but was very glad to have Alex to depend on.

Alex still felt herself walking on eggshells with Paul when they were alone. She longed for his touch but at the same time she still couldn’t let him watch her undress, and she missed their long talks but still hadn’t managed to open up to him. She had stopped wondering how he could possibly be so patient. It was beyond her ability to comprehend.

Friday night, their normal little ‘date night’ came and went without so much as a lit candle on the dining room table or a romantic CD in the stereo. Yet, Paul still pulled her into his arms as he fell asleep, and she still nestled her head against his shoulder. Three am rolled around and she was still lying with her eyes open, staring out into the darkness.

"Paul?" she whispered, barely audibly, and not really expecting a reply.

"Mm-hmm?"

"You’re awake?" she asked with surprise.

"Couldn’t sleep either," he said. "Anyway, sometimes I like to just lie here and feel you in my arms. Makes me feel almost as rested as real sleep."

She was quiet for a few minutes but her hand plucked at the quilt and she was sure he could feel her heart racing. "I think I’m ready to talk about it now," she said very quietly.

Paul’s eyes were wide open and he looked down at her, seeing just the top of her head as she had curled so that her face was pointed towards the foot of the bed. "You know I’m here for whatever you want to tell me," he said slowly.

"Mm-hmm." She was quiet again and for a minute he thought she had changed her mind, but then she began to speak again. "I woke up in the trunk of his car," she started, feeling him instantly tense. "I screamed my guts out but he was the only one who heard and he dragged me into the house and the whole time he was acting as if this was supposed to be my dream come true. He wanted to know if I liked the place. He kissed me and then I spit on him and that’s when he brought me down into that damn basement."

Despite what she was telling him he couldn’t hold back a quick and smug grin at the thought of her spitting in Bussey’s face. It was exactly what he would expect from her.

"He just left me down there and when I saw…" her breath hitched and Paul’s arm tightened around her waist. "when I saw what was down there… what he had to have planned for me… I… I thought I was going to go crazy. I tried everything… I tried pulling those damn whips off the shelf, and I tried prying the boards off the windows. I looked for anything to use as a weapon but everything was nailed or chained down"

Paul could feel her beginning to shake and he pulled the quilt over her shoulders and kissed the crown of her head. "You’re safe, baby. You don’t… you don’t have to do this right now if you don’t want to."

But she shook her head. "No… I need to," she said, her voice choked. Then, there was just the sound of her breathing for a few moments before she gathered herself together enough to go on. "I don’t know how long he left me but it was long enough for me to go over every horrible possibility in my mind, and the worst one… the absolute worst… worse than being raped or beaten or tortured… the worst was the thought that I wouldn’t ever see you or Matthew again," she was crying and her tears soaked through his t-shirt but he didn’t dare try to stop her again. "I knew that whatever else happened I had to get back to you and I told myself that whatever he did to me, as long as I was alive, that was all that mattered."

"You were right, Alex. You were so right. That is the only thing that will ever matter to me."

She tilted her head up slightly. "I knew you would say that," she said, the feeling of blessedness threading through her voice. "But now… now… some of the things… they do matter…"

"Not to me, Alex," Paul insisted. "The only thing that matters is the fact that I have you back in my arms."

"To me they matter," she was whispering again and he calmed himself and stroked her back gently.

"Then we’ll work through them, baby. Tell me."

"He… he had a gun when he came back. He was talking so sweet half the time but then he’d get this horrible mad look in his eye and his voice would change and it terrified me. I didn’t know what to expect. He told me to take my clothes off and I just wanted to run, but he promised me he wouldn’t touch me. He promised me and I believed him… I believed that asshole!"

"Alex, it was the only thing you had to hold onto right then. Did he… did he keep it?"

She nodded her head. "He just looked at me, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt so filthy and humiliated in my life. I just let him do it. He didn’t even hit me and I did what he asked!"

"He had a gun, Alex. You were being smart. You gave him a little of what he wanted and it stalled him from doing anything else to hurt you."

"It didn’t feel quite so noble at the time," she murmured.

Paul just held her and stared up at the ceiling, wanting with everything that was in him to punch that damned bastard just one more time.

"He left me for the night but I didn’t sleep. I just kept praying that you would find me by morning but then he was the one who came downstairs and this time he wasn’t as nice. He… he touched me, Paul… I’m so sorry… I couldn’t… I couldn’t stop him… he wanted… he wanted me to tell him I loved him but I wouldn't. I wouldn’t do it. You’re the only person I love, Paul, and I couldn’t say those words to him, but he… he said… he said he’d do things…" she was choking on her words and Paul was in agony listening to her.

"Alex… oh, God, baby, calm down… you’re safe… I don’t give a damn what he made you do… I know you didn’t want to… Alex… please… believe me…"

"He wanted me on that table but I couldn’t do it, Paul. I just couldn’t. I started fighting but he had a gun…and then I did it… I got up there all on my own… I just laid there waiting for him to rape me!"

"No! You were not a willing participant!"

"But maybe I could have gotten the gun away from him!"

Paul couldn’t take it any longer and he sat up and forced her to look into his eyes. "And maybe he could have killed you. He could have killed you five minutes before I arrived, and I would have spent the rest of my life wishing I was dead."

Alex threw herself into his arms and let all of her tears flow freely, knowing at last how safe and loved she was.

"I hate him so much. I hate feeling this way! Even though none of it matters to you, it matters to me! I can’t help going over every minute in my mind and trying to think of what I could have done better."

"You lived through it, Alex. Maybe that’s good enough."

"Then why does it feel like something inside of me died?" The words were a whisper as she clung to him desperately, "The part of me who wasn’t afraid to let you see me naked, the part who always wanted to make love to you anyway you wanted to."

"We’ll get back to that, baby, and we can take things as slowly as you need to," A thought crossed his mind and he nearly didn’t voice it, but changed his mind, "Honey, you’re not afraid of me, are you? You know I would never hurt you or even do something you weren’t comfortable with."

"I know! No, I’m not afraid of you, it’s just that….he made me feel so vulnerable and I don’t want to feel that way again."

He swallowed hard. Sex between them had always been good. Hell, it was always fabulous, but it was still the smallest part of their relationship in his mind and he didn’t want her thinking it was the most important thing to him, "Alex, you and I trust each other, right?" He felt her nod her head against his chest and he continued, "We trust each other in everything, baby, and the intimate part of our relationship is only a small part of that; a part we can get back slowly. What matters so much more, is times like now. When you trust me enough to tell me what you’re thinking, enough to let me hold you and help you. What matters to me is that you are here and that I don’t have to face another day without you," He pulled away enough to look down into her tear streaked face, "I couldn’t have done it, Alex. I couldn’t even imagine my life without you, yet alone have it become a reality."

"I love you so much," She was crying again, "I know I haven’t said it since I came home, but I do, Paul…so very much."

His breath caught in his throat as he swiped at her tears, "Would it…would it be all right with you if I kissed you, sweetheart? Nothing more."

She nodded her head tearfully and closed her eyes as his hands touched her face tenderly as if memorizing the feel of her skin. He hadn’t called her sweetheart since she had told him that Bussey had called her that, but now the word was so gentle, so filled with love and her mind kept playing it back over and over again. His lips brushed against hers, his tongue running over them lightly and she hungered for more as her lips parted in invitation.

The kiss deepened, but asked for nothing more, only renewing their commitment to each other in a hundred different ways, "I love you too, baby," He whispered softly when their lips parted.

"You don’t ever need to ask my permission to do that," Alex uttered as he laid back down and tugged her into his arms and as she fell asleep next to him, secure in his embrace, she knew it was the best sleep she would have in a week.

*****

The days that passed after Alex had finally told Paul most of what had occurred in that dark, cruel basement were much more pleasant. She no longer had the truth hidden inside of her and Paul was constantly reassuring her in little ways that none of the things she had been so worried about mattered to him. It was slowly becoming sweet freedom.

There were still moments when her mind turned to that terrible time and a shiver would run through her. Those were the times when her husband would fold her into his arms or if she was with Monica, the little angel would reach for her hand and give it a squeeze and Alex was grateful that her relationships with those that loved her were so special to allow for such quiet understanding.

The support and understanding she found in Paul left her longing for the intimate part of their relationship, but for days she held back. Part of the reason she knew was her own insecurity, but she now knew that there was another reason as well. The last time Paul had seen her naked was when she had been strapped to that fucking table. It was bad enough the memories still hurt her, but she’d be damned if she wanted them hurting him as well though she was finding it increasingly difficult to maintain her distance from him.

Their date night that week was much more on course. The little ritual had technically begun with Andrew and Monica when they had been dating. Though Paul and Alex had often taken time just to be together, doing things they enjoyed, when Matthew had been born, it had become much more of a challenge. Two months after the birth of their son, Paul had shown up at the door with roses, a wink and a grin on his face and the tradition had stuck.

Tonight he had made reservations at a romantic restaurant across town and things between them had felt even more normal than they had all week. Paul had used the time to make certain she was still as content not working as he was with her not working and she had assured him that she was enjoying her new life very much. She was getting to mother her son, watching him evolve from a baby to a little person and her relationship with Monica was stronger than ever. Though her friend had been gaining her strength back in leaps and bounds, Grace was far from sleeping through the night and Alex had been able to help out with the little household chores, giving Monica a chance to rest or just keep her company as they worked together. It all made for a very pleasant afternoon.

"Tonight was wonderful, Paul," Alex said softly once they had turned out their bedroom light and were snuggled together in their bed.

"Agreed," He smiled, moving to kiss her softly, "But then any night I share with you is wonderful."

"Even when I’m PMSing?" She grinned, her eyes flickering with amusement.

"Well, almost every night," Paul chuckled deep in his chest and then turned more serious, "I’ve been thinking. Have you given anymore thought to enlarging our family?"

The question caught her off guard, but then her heart swelled and she nodded her head, "I have. I’ve always wanted a large family, Paul, and besides, I love having your babies."

"You’re a terrific mother, baby, and doing it full time seems to suit you. Besides, I look at little Grace and think that I’d like a little girl who looks just like her beautiful mom." His fingers brushed through her hair and he heard a contented sigh escape her.

Alex was quiet for a moment, but then she moved closer, her face only inches from his, "Wanna start practicing?" She murmured, her lips brushing over his.

He was startled, having not expected her to initiate anything. He had certainly not broached the subject for that reason, but because it had been playing in his mind each time he watched Matthew and Alex together. He started to question her comfort level, but her tongue begged for entrance and he had no choice but to grant her access and a moment later, his hands were against her face and in her hair as he kissed her deeply, passionately, igniting a fire in their souls.

"Alex…Alex…" He repeated her name again and again in between kisses. He had missed this. Had missed this incredible closeness between them, but he reminded himself to proceed carefully.

Lowering her back on the bed, he hovered above her as they shared intimate kisses and caresses. He was careful to keep his hands on her face, but then they began to roam down the length of her body from shoulders to hips, his hands slipping beneath her pajama top to stroke her stomach and waist.

"I’ve missed you," Alex uttered, her lips making a trail from his jaw down to his neck, sucking softly, and enjoying his groans of pleasure. She could already feel a dampness growing between her legs and when he shifted positions, his knee between her own, she ground herself up against it, a low moan escaping her.

This gesture nearly sent Paul over the edge as he kissed every inch of her face and then plundered her mouth once more. He could feel her heat against leg and an answering throbbing began as his erection strained against his boxers. His hands slid up beneath her top and found her breasts, his fingers tweaking at her nipples before he cupped her breasts in his hands. He had always loved their fullness and their firmness and the way they fit into his palms so perfectly.

Alex struggled to hold onto to everything she had been previously feeling, but with his hands cupping her, her mind was suddenly back in that basement. The last man who had touched them had been that bastard and remembering caused a tremor to go through her and the tiniest of sobs to escape her.

"Alex?" Paul’s heart was suddenly pounding in his chest as his hands dropped in order to wrap his arms around her tightly, "Baby?"

"I’m sorry," She whispered brokenly, "I’m sorry…I’m such a fucking idiot…"

He instantly knew that this was where she had been touched, though she had never told him in so many words, "No, you aren’t, sweetie. I’ve told you before that anything you feel is fine with me. I’m the one who is sorry. I didn’t mean to rush things for you…"

"You didn’t!" She cried out, tears tracking down her face, "Damnit, Paul, I want you so badly! I don’t want to be dealing with this shit!"

"Shhh," He held her close and stroked her hair, waiting for her to calm down, "Tonight was a start, baby and more than ever, I know we’re going to fine."

She was quiet for several moments before she was finally able to look up at him, "I love you so much, Paul. This has nothing to do with you, it-."

"If it has to do with you, then it has to do with me, sweetheart," He interrupted gently, his gaze locking with hers, "Alex, he may have touched you, but that was all. He touched your skin, but not your heart or your soul, or even your mind. I want all of you, baby, but only when you are ready."

She nodded her head as he wiped away her tears and then reached up to kiss him softly, "I’m a little tired, if that is okay…"

"Of course it is, baby. It’s late and we can sleep in tomorrow for as long as Matthew lets us," He waited until she had turned and then spooned up against her, his arm draped over her waist, "I love you, Alex," He whispered softly.

He was nearly certain she was asleep when a few minutes later, he felt her guide his hand up under her pajamas and to her breast. Paul instantly tensed, unsure of what she wanted or needed and not about to guess.

"Remember when we were first married," She whispered, her hand still covering his, "And you would fall asleep with your hand on one of them because you said you loved them so much?"

"Yeah. I remember," He smiled softly, his finger brushing over the warm mound lightly, "And you know why I love them so much?" She shook her head and he leaned up and kissed her cheek before whispering into her ear, "Because they are a part of you, Alex. Just a piece of the beautiful, wonderful package that God blessed me with."

She sighed contentedly as his hand slipped from her breast and he linked his fingers through her own. As she drifted off to sleep, she now knew what the difference was in the way Bussey had touched her and the way Paul touched her.

Love. It made all the difference in the world.

*****

Monica was fairly certain that if Grace’s first doctor’s appointment was any indication, she was going to be spending many of the important moments in her daughter’s life in tears. Dr. Holden, their new pediatrician, pronounced that Grace was perfect in every way, but the moment that needle went into that tiny arm, Monica’s eyes started to fill.

Thankfully, Andrew was there to put his encouraging arm around her and plant a quick kiss on the side of her head. Grace was still crying as Dr. Holden wrapped her up, but as soon as she was back in her mother’s arms she began to quiet down.

"Now just bring her on back in two weeks and we’ll get the last set of shots out of the way," she said. She was an older woman, who looked like she would fit in more in a small town practice, but Dr. Klein had recommended her very highly.

"More shots? Are you sure?" Monica asked as she clutched Grace a trifle tighter.

Dr. Holden chuckled. "Just a few more. We want to make sure this little princess stays good and healthy."

Monica nodded her head emphatically. That was certainly true enough.

"We’ll make the appointment on our way out," Andrew said.

"You do that. And here, Monica, take this." She passed the new mother a grape lollipop. "Grace is still a little young, but at this age it seems the mothers are often more in need of soothing."

Monica grinned and took the candy. She had a feeling she was going to get along just fine with Grace’s doctor. She and Andrew wound their way back to the waiting room and Monica tucked the baby into her carrier while he took care of making the appointment.

"I wish you could come to Grace’s next appointment, too," she said as they left the office. She had been very happy that he’d taken the time away from work to drive them this time, but she was under no illusions that it would be able to be a regular occurrence, which was why his next words surprised her.

"Oh, I’ll be right beside you," he said as he lifted the carrier into its position in the car and locked it down.

"You will? But Andrew, you’ve already taken more time away then usual. That can’t be good."

Andrew schooled his look to one of relaxed nonchalance. "Don’t worry about it, angel. Things have been slow lately." The truth was that he had been put on desk duty for the time being until an inquiry into the death of Ron Bussey was wrapped up. It was a technicality, but one that reminded him of what he had done every day.

As they drove back towards their house, Monica had to admit that Andrew had been coming home at remarkably reasonable hours lately, and sometimes he’d even joined them for lunch. However, those things failed to comfort her, and in fact they made her even more suspicious. He always talked to her about his work. Even when he didn’t want to go into graphic details, he would tell her something, and if nothing else it made her feel that she was helping him by being a willing pair of ears and a loving pair of arms. Now she thought back and realized that he hadn’t shared anything with her since before Grace’s birth.

Maybe he didn’t want to burden her anymore, and maybe he felt that now that the baby was here, his work, more than ever, needed to stay at the office. She set her lips into a line and glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. If that was what he thought then she would have to quickly disabuse him of that notion.

Fifteen minutes later and they were pulling into their garage and Monica had a little plan already formed in her head. She hurried over to open the door into the house as Andrew maneuvered the baby seat out of the car. She was still holding it open as he approached with a smile on his face.

"Thanks, Monica, she is a bit of a baggage, isn’t she," he teased.

"But such a cute little baggage," Monica cooed, taking the seat and setting it on the kitchen table. "Since you’re home, why don’t you give her a bottle and I’ll make lunch?"

"A bottle?" Monica usually had some expressed milk in the fridge so that Andrew could take some of the nighttime feedings, but Grace still preferred to get her food straight from the source. "I don’t know. With you around and everything… I don’t think she’ll want to take it from me."

Monica smiled indulgently. "Don’t be silly. You’re her daddy and she loves you. Now just heat it up and go on into the living room and relax."

He still looked a bit doubtful, but he was learning to follow instructions well and was soon seated in his favorite chair with Grace nestled in his arms. She looked up at him in that endearing, unfocused way that babies always had, and he instinctively held out a finger and let her grab it.

"Oh, that’s my little girl, arentcha? My little sweetness." He bent to kiss her forehead and then offered her the bottle which she took after just a bit of fussing.

A few minutes later and she was nearly asleep in his arms and he just stared down at her, watching her tiny chest rise and fall, and her long dark eyelashes flutter.

"You’re beautiful with her."

Monica’s words surprised him and he looked up to see her watching from the doorway.

"Well, I try," he joked.

"And you succeed. It almost makes my heart hurt to see how much you love her. You take such good care of both of us."

"I’m pretty sure that’s in my job description," he replied with a smile.

"Funny you should bring that up," Monica said, preparing to shift gears, "because I’m pretty sure that mine has a clause that says I’m supposed to be here to support you too."

He chuckled at the gleam in her eyes. "What’re you talking about. You know you do that… every day."

"Not lately," she said seriously as she sat down on the coffee table. "Lately you haven’t been leaning so there’s been nothing to support."

The smile on his face dimmed a bit and he sank back against his chair. "There hasn’t been anything going on. I told you. Things have been slow."

"Andrew. You work for the FBI. Things are never slow. You’ve just stopped talking about them. Is it because of Grace? Because you don’t want to bring anything home with you anymore? Because I understand, but you can’t do that to yourself. You can’t just make little boxes and say that family goes in one and work goes in another."

Andrew shook his head, realizing that Monica really had no idea what she was talking about. He quickly stood up and handed her the baby. "You should probably put her down for her nap," he said, and then walked out of the room.

Monica was astonished. She’d imagined about ten scenarios and this one didn’t even come close. Cradling Grace close, she hurried upstairs to the nursery and then hurried down just as fast, in search of her husband. She found him in his study.

"What just happened?" she said quietly.

"Nothing. I’m sorry if I got a little bit short with you."

"Andrew, please. Talk to me. What’s wrong?"

Andrew had his elbows resting on his desk and now he let his head fall forward into his hands.

"Andrew?"

He looked up and his face looked more drawn and tired than she had seen it in a long time. "I haven’t wanted to tell you."

"Tell me what?" she was truly worried now. What had happened? Was it some horrible case, or was there something else?

"I did something, Monica, that I never thought I would do. I’ve been trying to work through it myself."

"Please…" her voice was a whisper. "Just tell me." He shook his head as if in disgust, but she knelt down beside him and grabbed his hand. "You have to tell me."

"When we found Alex…" Monica’s blood immediately ran cold just thinking about that time. "you know what happened."

"You helped save her. You helped save her from being raped and you helped save her life."

"I helped save her by killing the man who had her, Monica."

Suddenly she found it rather hard to breathe and her eyes went wide as she stared at him, but her hand never left his. In fact it held on tighter.

"He lunged for Paul’s gun and I was standing on the stairs and I shot him. I shot him and he fell to the ground and I stood staring at him for a second and didn’t even feel bad about doing it."

"You had to do it, Andrew. He would have killed them both," she said with certainty as she met his downcast gaze and held it. "You saved them both."

"It isn’t just that. I could live with that. I didn’t want to do it, but I had no choice."

"Then what is it? Let me help."

Andrew didn’t want to tell her. God, he didn’t want to tell her anything else, but she was staring into his face with the honesty of the world written in her eyes and he couldn’t withhold anything from her.

"When I killed him I was wishing he was someone else."

She sucked in a breath and curled her lips inward. She didn’t have to ask who. She nodded her head slowly and considered her words. "Maybe you’ll always wish that, but it doesn’t change who you are."

"Right. I’m an angel who hates. Monica, that’s an abomination to God."

"Andrew no. You don’t hate anyone. What you hate is the evil that is inside some people."

"I don’t see much of a difference."

"The difference is that God doesn’t expect you to forgive everything. That’s His job."

Andrew pulled her up onto his lap in a rush and held her tightly to his chest. "Monica, I don’t think I can ever forgive what happened to you. Not ever."

"I think God understands that. I think it’s part of loving someone so hard it hurts."

Chapter 9

"Have you forgiven him?" The words were spoken softly and silence filled the room for a moment before she could decide upon an answer.

"When I look back on that time, I still feel angry and even a little bit ashamed, even though I have accepted the fact that the only one responsible for it was him. Sometimes when something triggers a flashback, I still feel angry about that time, but then I look at you and what we have together, and now I look at Grace and how the love we share allowed her to come into the world," she looked up into his eyes, her own raw with honesty, "I’m not sure either of those things would have happened without him hurting me. For as awful as it all was, it brought you and I closer together and your feelings to the forefront. Without it, we never would have had a break that lasted that long for those things to happen. So in answer to your question, no. I haven’t forgiven him, but I do all I can to forget that part of something that wound up being so absolutely perfect," Tears formed in her dark eyes as she reached up to touch his face, "And you know what else?"

"What, angel?" He could barely speak in light of what she had already told him.

"I’d go through it all again if it meant being with you and with Grace." She watched him blink back the moisture from his eyes and she smiled tearfully, "That is how much I love you."

Wordlessly, he pulled her to himself fiercely, nearly bowled over the depth of her feeling for him, "I love you so much, baby," He whispered once he was able to speak around the emotion in his throat.

"I think it’s time you brought those words to action," She replied, reaching up to kiss him deeply, her tongue forceful as she parted his lips.

His eyes widened briefly, though he was unable to help but to respond. It had been so long since they had kissed like this and the taste of her was like heaven as she sucked on his tongue and explored his mouth. Her hands on either side of his face were warm and demanding, refusing to release him and he raised his own to entwine them in her hair, pressing her closer.

"Monica…" Andrew nearly had to gasp when she finally allowed him up for air, "I don’ think…we can’t…you aren’t…"

"Don’t think, we can and I am," His wife replied, kissing from his brow down to his jaw as her fingers unbuttoned his shirt, "Waited long enough.." She murmured as her mouth continued its quest back to his.

She was suddenly pushing his shirt back over his shoulders and then her hands were kneading at his flesh, running over the muscles of his chest and teasing his nipples beneath her palms. It was damn near maddening and he was fighting for control. Somehow he managed to wrench his lips from hers, his need for her downright painful at the moment, "Monica, we can’t do this! You’re still healing…"

She grinned as she moved to straddle his lap and leaned forward to lick softly around his ear, "Talked to the doctor. All systems are go…" Monica whispered, her breath hot against his ear.

"Oh, thank God!" He was unable to help but to exclaim and he immediately plundered her mouth once more, the need for flesh against flesh becoming overwhelming. His hands worked at her blouse as he kissed her deeply, longingly and the blouse was quickly followed by her bra, breathing in a sigh of relief as he felt her warm mounds pressed up against his chest.

Monica’s arms went instinctively around his neck as his mouth continued doing incredible things down her neck, nibbling, kissing and she was certain if he didn’t fill her soon she would surely lose her mind. Every fiber of her being was alive with his touch and when she arched her back to present herself to him, he accepted the offer, licking beneath her breasts and then over her nipples, the soft buds growing tight as small sighs and moans escaped her.

"So beautiful…so perfect…" Andrew murmured against her breasts, "I love you, Monica…I love you…"

The stirring that had started out deep in her core was quickly becoming a demand and her hands fumbled with the zipper on his pants, nearly sighing with relief when she was finally able to hold him in her grasp. He groaned and Monica could feel him throbbing in her hand, every bit as needy as she was. Neither of them were able to wait as she moved enough to hike up her skirt and hitch her panties to the side just in time for him to impale her. Her cry turned into a moan as he filled her, her walls stretching to accommodate the long awaited union.

Monica’s arms were still wrapped around his neck as she began to move against him, savoring the sweet sensation of his moving in and out of her body. She stroked him slowly, already so close to the edge, but needing to hold off, wanting him to climax with her. Her constant stream of words of love were against his ear and Andrew picked up the pace, driving into her again and again, feeling her begin to tighten against him. He emptied himself into her, chanting her name as she fell, her body shuddering and tight around him. He could feel every spasm as little cries escaped her and Andrew knew he couldn’t allow it to be over so soon.

Still joined, he stood up, holding her close and carefully moved them both to the floor. Monica was breathing hard, still in the throes of passion as he slipped from her depths, not willing to allow her to come down. Andrew was unable to resist watching the rise and fall of her chest briefly, certain that God had never created anything more beautiful than his wife.

A startled cry escaped her when she felt his tongue running through her folds. Every nerve was alive and on edge and she nearly pushed him away before a contented sigh escaped her and her legs fell open in an invitation as her fingers curled into his hair, pressing him closer. He was lapping at her lazily, slowly, agonizingly, and her head moved restlessly from side to side. He ran the length of her, then focused briefly on the sensitive little nub at the top, sucking it between his lips and loving her soft cries. He hadn’t realized how hungry he had been for her, but now the taste of her made him wonder how he could have gone without it for so long.

His questing tongue darted into her sweetness, probing and exploring, bringing her closer and closer to the edge, before he would back off, listening to her pleas and then starting the process all over again. His mouth was quickly becoming all she knew as she begged him to finish her off but he only backed down once more, changing his pace back to something slow and torturous. She was hanging at the precipice, convinced she would never be allowed to fall.

Andrew raised his head briefly to look up, watching her tremble as the action caused her fingers to fall away from his hair. Knowing he was being ruthless, he relented as he ran his tongue over her slowly once more, before devouring her hungrily, lapping at her and then dipping into her core once more until a silent scream escaped her and her juices poured over his tongue. He was instantly hard for her once more, but he hesitated long enough to suck on the little nub once more, keeping her floating, never giving her time to come down.

He groaned when he moved up and pushed into her, the spasming tightness surrounding him and it only took him a few strokes to fill her once more, but not before tickling the little nub one last time to keep her soaring during his own completion.

"Andrew…Andrew…." Monica was breathing hard, her body still shuddering when he supported his weight on his elbows and covered her face in kisses, loving words soothing her through the aftershocks of their intense love making.

"Angel," He whispered, his fingers brushing through her sweat dampened bangs, "I know that God is at the beginning and the end, but you are everything in between. Everything."

"Mmmm," Her breathing was starting to slow at last and a little contented smile tugged at her mouth, "I’ve missed that. Andrew, it was incredible."

"You’re the incredible one, Monica."

Her fingers ran lightly over his back, feeling blissfully happy and fulfilled, "Tired now…"

He chuckled softly and kissed her lips tenderly, "Then a nap is in order, but I have to warn you…"

Monica’s eyes opened then as she looked up at him, "What?"

"That after your nap and after Grace is all taken care of, I intend to do all of that all over again."

"Promise?"

"You can count on it, baby."

*****

Oftentimes wanting something to happen and willing it to happen can end up canceling each other out so that nothing at all happens. That was exactly how Alex felt about becoming intimate with Paul again. Every morning she woke up thinking that by midnight they would be locked in a heated embrace and screaming their release. But every night, although Paul kissed and cuddled and generally make her feel incredibly loved, she always hesitated and just ended up curling into his arms.

Prior to their first attempt she hadn’t worried at all. She hadn’t expected to have any sort of flashback. She had just expected the usual loving feelings to sweep her up and carry her along. Now she was afraid of what else might set her off. She didn’t want to keep reliving it. She didn’t want Paul to have to keep going over it again and again. Unfortunately that left her with only one option: avoid the problem all together.

Paul certainly wasn’t going to push her, but he did have a feeling that he knew what was going on in her mind, and he did something that he had hoped he wouldn’t have to do. He talked to Monica. On a scale of one to ten, discussing his love life with an angel rated close to a negative two, but he didn’t feel he had a choice. Approaching Alex himself might be the easiest thing to do, but he was afraid that if he did that then she would think that he was impatient about it and start getting even more nervous. Talking to Monica turned his face three shades redder but at least it didn’t hurt Alex.

As it turned out he didn’t have to tell her much. Even with the lack of sleep caused by baby Grace, she had still noticed a slight change in Alex. She actually had a feeling that the woman was just trying to think of some subtle way to approach her about too. Monica had to smile at the fact that Paul had beat her to the punch, and she already had an idea of how to bring the subject up with Alex.

It was Saturday afternoon and Alex had just ushered the last woman out of Monica and Andrew’s house. The very belated baby shower had ended up being a huge success. Monica was still practically trapped under presents when she returned to the living room and casually picked up Grace from her swing.

"Looks like you made out like a bandit, little princess," she said. "Oh, and mom didn’t do too badly either."

Monica laughed. "Thank you again, Alex. I know you’re the one who told everyone what we still needed. I just can’t believe so many people came. I only knew a handful of them!"

"Well yes, it was a bit unorthodox for a shower, but I knew them all, and I thought it was about time that my best friend started meeting some of my other friends."

The little angel looked up with astonishment and shy pleasure on her face. "I’m your best friend? Really?"

Alex let out a long laugh. "Well of course you are! D’you think I’m hanging out with someone else behind your back?" she said with a wink.

"Well… no," Monica agreed with a quirky grin, and then her expression turned serious. "Thank you, Alex. I mean… you’ve always been my best friend, but I guess I didn’t expect…"

"That figures," Alex replied as she pushed aside a pile of baby clothes and sat down on the sofa. "You always sell yourself short."

This wasn’t exactly the opening that Monica had been looking for, but she decided to forge ahead anyway. "If I’m your best friend I guess that means I’m the one who’s supposed to be able to tell you anything," she said slowly.

"Of course, Monica. What’s up? Is something wrong?"

"Not with me."

Alex’s eyes suddenly shuttered and she started folding the clothes she had pushed onto the floor. "I’m just fine, hon. Nothing to worry about there."

"Then why did you just fold a nursing bra up with one of Grace’s sleepers?"

Alex rolled her eyes and threw the clothes back to the floor. "So just how obvious am I?"

"Not very. But I can tell that something has been on your mind lately. I get the distinct impression that you’ve been wanting to talk but not exactly sure how to bring it up. So I figured I’d take care of that part."

Releasing a long sigh, Alex leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest. "Yeah… well… sorta. It isn’t exactly the sort of thing I knew how to broach…"

"Best friends, remember? You’re supposed to be able to tell me anything. At least that’s what Oprah says."

Alex chuckled. "Yeah, well, maybe Oprah’s best friend isn’t an angel sent down to earth."

"An angel who’s married and quite human at the moment," Monica replied with a wink of her own.

"Monica!"

"Alex, just tell me. This has something to do with you and Paul."

She rolled her eyes again. Apparently her best friend was a mind reader. Great. "Well… yes… sort of… but mostly it’s me."

"Flashbacks?" Monica guessed. Paul had only told her that Alex had seemed to be holding back. He hadn’t given her any details.

Alex nodded her head but didn’t say anything.

"I’ve been through that, Alex. Talk to me."

"Saying it out loud, it seems sort of stupid… please don’t hit me for saying that," Alex held up her hands in defense. "I had one flashback. Just one. At an… inconvenient time…" she said euphemistically, "and now… I just get anxious every time things start to go in that direction. I swear I want him so bad I’m about to crawl outta my skin, but I also don’t want to remember that fucking bastard, and I don’t want Paul hurt either."

Monica couldn’t help grinning over the expression on Alex’s face when she mentioned her need for Paul and she knew she had to help ease her friend’s fears. "Alex, this may be hard for you to believe right now, but if you just let yourself go, you’ll be surprised at how well things go. Don’t force yourself. Don’t think about it. I can tell. You’re a thinker. You’re getting yourself all nervous about what could happen and so you aren’t letting anything at all happen."

"I can’t help it… I can’t stand feeling so damn helpless."

"But you aren’t helpless, Alex. Not at all! And even if something else triggers a flashback, you know what? Paul’s going to be right there to hold you and chase it away. Just the way Andrew did for me." Monica felt herself getting choked up but then Alex’s arm around her shoulders sent a warm feeling to her heart.

"I guess if I’m going to trust anyone on this, it should be you," she said with one eyebrow cocked upwards.

"Not just me, Alex. Trust yourself, and trust Paul. Your love for each other will push you through this and someday it will just be a horrible memory that you think about once in a while instead of every day."

Alex looked down at her and stared into her caring and sympathetic face. "Is that how it was for you?"

"Mmm-hmm. I think about it sometimes, but then all I have to do is look at Andrew or Grace and it all just fades to the background."

"You’re right, Monica. Our families… and friends… are so much more important than the assholes who hurt us, and I think it’s time I stopped giving Bussey one more night of my life."

*****

Andrew stood outside his front door and took a deep breath, willing his bad mood to diminish. It had been his custom every night ever since he had been placed on desk duty while the powers that be investigated Ron Bussey’s death and he was starting to tire of his job as it stood right now as well as trying to appear cheerful for Monica. Not that it was much of an effort. Just one look at her or at Grace was enough to make his clouds disappear, but his wife read him so easily that he didn’t want her picking up on anything when he walked in the door.

He had never actually told her about his temporary change in duties as he didn’t want her worrying about him. She had plenty to concern herself with adjusting to motherhood, or that is at least what he was telling himself, though he had a feeling Monica would see things completely differently if she knew.

Just the thought of her cute little stubborn streak was enough to bring a grin to his face and on that note, he unlocked the door and walked into the house. All seemed rather quiet as he tried to gauge if his wife and daughter were up in the nursery or maybe they were both napping. Monica had been following the doctor’s instructions of sleeping when Grace slept, at least when he wasn’t at home and for that he was grateful.

Hearing a faint sound above him, he walked up the stairs and followed the sound to the nursery. Singing had never been one of the gifts that God had seen fit to give the little angel, even as a human, but the sound of her quiet singing to their daughter as she rocked her in her arms had to be one of the sweetest sounds ever created and he felt his heart fill with love all over again. He was loathe to interrupt her, so he stood in the doorway, unnoticed, drinking in the sight and the sound and thinking that regardless of how shitty a day he’d had, he was still the luckiest guy on earth.

The song ended and as if sensing his presence, Monica looked up, "You’re home," The words were soft and her eyes reflected complete peace and happiness at seeing him.

Andrew approached them and smiled down at the sleeping Grace, "Can I…?"

"You never have to ask," She chastised gently as she helped him take their daughter from her arms. Monica leaned her head back in the rocking chair, content to watch him walk slowly around the room, holding Grace close and softly kissing her little face. It was a picture that caused emotion to swell within her breast and she wasn’t surprised to be blinking back tears. As much as she loved holding Grace close to her, there was something special about watching Andrew with her, about the look of complete love in his eyes and then she smiled. It was so much the way he looked at her each and every day.

"I love watching you with her," She commented softly as he laid Grace carefully in her crib.

Andrew smiled and moved to kiss her as she stood up, "There’s something magical about watching the two of you together as well, angel."

She made a little face, "I’m sorry you were subjected to my singing inability, but Grace isn’t old enough yet to know how bad it really is."

"It was beautiful," He whispered, cupping her face in his hands, "Just like everything else about you."

As she gazed into his eyes, feeling incredibly blessed, she could just make out that they lacked a little of their usual sparkle and that there was a trace of sadness that was buried deeply inside of him. She knew him so well, and had known that something just wasn’t right, which was why during her little chat with Paul a few days ago, she had asked a few questions of her own.

Taking his hands from her face, she kissed his palms lovingly and then took his hand into hers to lead him back downstairs to the living room so they could sit down together. Andrew was already looking slightly apprehensive, so she didn’t waste any time.

"Paul said that the investigation is nearly completed, Andrew," Monica said gently as she took his hands into her own, "It won’t be for much longer."

He looked surprised for a moment and then gave a small shake of his head. He supposed he should know by now, that regardless of how busy and sleep deprived his wife had been lately, she was still very in tune to his feelings and emotions, "I’m sorry I didn’t tell you."

"Andrew, you don’t need to apologize, I just…" She peered up into his eyes, her own holding a trace of pleading, "I want to be able to share everything with you and though I’d rather it come from you, please know that I will do whatever I have to do to be able to help you, even if that means talking to Paul."

He pulled her to his chest and held her tightly as she added firmly, "We weren’t placed in this life separately, but together, Andrew. In all things, together."

"I wouldn’t have it any other way, sweetheart," Andrew said finally, before smiling, "I should have told you. If nothing else, you should be happy to know I’m not out chasing the bad guys."

Monica tilted her head up to look at him, her dark eyes tracing over his face, "Yes. Though I must admit I may never be completely comfortable with what you do, I still want you to be happy. I can tell that where work has been concerned, you haven’t been that lately."

"I suppose being behind a desk is not really my thing," He sighed, then managed a chuckle, "Funny. I had many a desk job as an angel and never questioned and never thought to be annoyed by it. If I had to do it every day…well, I’d think I’d be more fulfilled working at that teddy bear factory you mentioned some time ago."

She laughed and then shook her head, "No, you’d be bored to tears there as well. It’s a natural thing for you to want to help others any way you can and working with Paul allows you to do that. I may not always like the work you do, but I am proud of you."

Andrew raised an eyebrow and looked down at her, "You are?"

"Andrew! Of course I am! I’m proud of you all the time."

"But I killed someone this time, angel…"

"Only because you had to," Monica insisted, her gaze never wavering, "And you may say you wished that man were someone else, but that is only secondary to the fact that you saved the lives of our best friends. Had you not been there, and he’d gotten Paul’s gun…" A slight shudder went through her body, "There’s no telling what could have happened. You did what you had to do, because it was your job to do it. The FBI knows that too. All this investigation nonsense is nothing more than protocol. Rumor has it you will be back in the field by Monday."

He stared at her with a combination of amusement and wonderment. She could always put all the pieces back together for him and she made it seem completely effortless. Quickly, he ducked his head to kiss her, leaving her breathless, "Do you have any idea just how damn incredible you are?"

"Yup," She grinned smugly, though her husband knew it was not really the truth. Monica simply took her words as part of her duty of being his wife, because she loved him.

"I’m not always certain that you really see it, so just trust me that you are," Andrew settled for, his words holding all the tenderness he felt for her.

"I always trust you," Monica informed him with a teasing grin, "I have to as you probably work with all these adorable FBI women."

"They don’t hold a candle to the adorable little angel God blessed me with, Monica," He watched as the color rose in her cheeks and she smiled shyly, "Even as a human, I could never have eyes for anyone else, baby. I’ve already got it all."

Still smiling, she snuggled up against him, wanting to take advantage of having him home so early, knowing that those days would again be coming to a close soon, "So do I," She murmured contentedly, "Absolutely everything."

Chapter 10

She had been in the bathroom for over half an hour and Paul was beginning to worry. Dinner had been lovely, and Alex had been her normal smiling, sarcastic, flirtatious self. Matthew had been particularly cunning as well, holding his own little spoon and making wild jabs in the general direction of his face. The three of them together as a family. It had felt wonderful. But now he was lying in bed alone and she was locked in the bathroom. Had Monica talked to her? Was she feeling even worse now? He put his arm across his eyes and leaned back with a long sigh. If he was even partially responsible for a set-back he was going to have a very hard time forgiving himself.

"Asleep already?" The sultry sound of his wife’s voice drifted into his ears and he lowered his arm.

She was standing in the bathroom doorway with one hand on her hip and her gaze locked on his. His eyes widened as he took in the sight. She was wearing the slinky negligee he had bought her for Christmas, and her hair was tumbling loose over her shoulders and brushed to satiny smoothness.

"A-Alex…" he managed to stammer.

"I take it you like what you see?"

He was still flabbergasted, but he nodded vehemently. "Of course I do, but Alex…"

She held a finger to her lips. "Shhhh. None of that," she said as she walked over to the bed slowly. "No talking. Tonight I just want to feel."

Paul reached up and cupped her cheek in his hand. "Can I at least say how much I love you?"

Pausing she seemed to think for a moment. "Okay. That is allowed."

"I love you," he whispered, before drawing her down for a long, sensual kiss.

Somehow, in the middle of it, she managed to find her way onto his lap and then she was straddling him and kneading his strong shoulders as they continued to kiss. His hands tangled in her hair and he traced her lips with his tongue before she opened her mouth and entwined her tongue with his, enticing him inside. The taste of her was like heaven and he groaned as she shifted on his lap, his rock hard erection becoming blatantly obvious.

Her busy fingers flitted over the muscles of his chest, and she ran her nails against his flat nipples, making him growl deep in his throat as he kissed her harder. She was instantly aware of the power she held over him. It was a power they shared and traded and never abused. She could completely let herself go with him, her wildest desires could always be revealed and he would treat them with love and respect. It was unbelievable how much of an aphrodisiac that was, but she felt herself throbbing and when she ground against him her wetness left a path along his boxers and made his guttural moans increase in volume.

"I need you, Paul. I want you. I want you so badly. And I love you so much. With my whole heart I love you and I trust you with every part of myself." Her words were whispered hurriedly into his ear but he caught every one and treasured it.

"Thank you, baby," he whispered back, and then she was letting out a little squeal as he flipped her over and knelt above her.

His eyes were filled with his need for her, but it was a need that went far beyond the physical and Alex could sense that and it brought quick tears to her eyes that she had to rush to blink away.

"You liked the nightgown," he said with a gentle leer.

She smiled up at him and nodded.

"Me too, but I think I’ve seen enough of it for now." She helped him by sitting up, and in one smooth motion he pulled the thin silk over her head.

Alex fell back against the pillows with an even sexier look on her face, and Paul had to keep his jaw from dropping wide open.

"Baby… my… God…" he was stuttering. Stuttering and Paul and sex were always a good combination she had learned.

"I got them before any of this happened. They were supposed to be a little surprise," she said huskily.

They, were a pair of very small and very gentle little clips that were currently attached to her hard and swollen nipples. Paul reached out almost tentatively and touched one lightly, sending a feeling of electricity directly down to her core. She let out a gasping sigh and Paul’s eyes widened.

"They don’t hurt, do they?" he said, concerned.

"Uh-uh… just makes things a little more intense, but no pain, nothing like that."

Paul felt a slow smile spread across his face. "Well, I have to say, they didn’t need any improvement, but I think I could agree to play with those once in a while."

Alex let out a low laugh and then pulled him down for a kiss that quickly turned into a moan as he ran one hand over her breasts, tugging very gently on the little clips and stroking her sensitive flesh. When he left her mouth to encircle one nipple, silver adornment and all, she let out a soft cry and tangled her fingers in his hair. She felt a hand parting her wet folds and sighed when he stroked her, up and down, playing her like some sort of instrument, listening to the tenor and volume of her mewling little sighs. He pushed two fingers inside and pressed upwards at the same time that he sucked one nipple hard into his mouth.

Her climax came so fast that she couldn’t believe it. Suddenly she was falling and a scream was caught in her throat. Paul’s fingers worked in and out slowly, drawing out her pleasure as she came down, and when she opened her eyes again he was smiling down at her looking very smug. Instantly feeling the need to right that situation, she reached down and caught him in her hand, squeezing slightly, and relishing the look of distraction that quickly overtook him.

"Okay, not fair," he said, suddenly breathing hard.

"Very fair," she purred.

His smile quirked up and he met her eyes with a look of complete love and devotion. Whatever little games they played, that was what always lay underneath, and seeing it made her heart give a little spasm of joy.

Paul then very gently removed the clips from her nipples and placed them on the nightstand. "Very pretty, but I like the unadulterated Alex better," he said as he ran his thumbs over the stiff peaks.

"Mmmmm…. Nice," she breathed as she closed her eyes. "Please… I need you so much…"

He chuckled. "Already? That little preview wasn’t enough?"

Her eyes slid open and she caught his gaze. "It was very, very, nice, but now I’m ready for the main event."

Her arm snaked around his neck and pulled him down and he rose up and then guided himself into her with such deliberate slowness that she thought she would go mad. When he was finally settled deep within her walls he stopped all motion and she just let out little panting breaths, loving the feeling of him inside her, loving the union that was theirs alone.

"I love you so much Alex. So much more than you will ever know," he whispered against her ear, and before she could reply he started moving and the rhythm stole her words and left her breathless.

She thrust against him, meeting him every time and she knew she wouldn’t last long. He seemed to know the same thing and he bent forward and lightly ran his tongue over one nipple and then pressed his thumb against the throbbing little nub above their joining. The response was instantaneous. She let out a cry that sounded somewhat like his name and then she was climaxing, spasming around, him, milking him just as he let go with a shout and buried his face in her shoulder.

When he finally had the strength to roll off of her she wouldn’t let him go and he ended up with her nestled on top of him, still intimately joined. "You okay?" he whispered after a while of stroking her back and listening to her quiet breathing.

"Very okay," she replied, and then, the reason for his question seemed to penetrate her brain. Her breath hitched and tears pricked her eyes, but they weren’t sad or frightened tears, they were tears of relief. "I didn’t even think about him," she said in a rush. "I didn’t even think! He doesn’t have me anymore!"

Paul smiled and held her tightly. "No he doesn’t," he agreed, "because you’re mine, and I never intend to let you go again."

*****

"Ready to kiss your desk good-bye?"

Andrew looked up in surprise at the sound of Paul’s voice to see his friend leaning in the doorway to his office. He and Paul hadn’t spoken much the last few days and the truth was, Andrew had been avoiding him, if only for the reason of feeling extremely put out that Paul was still in the field and here he was chained to a desk and a mound of paperwork.

"What are you saying exactly?" The angel elected to question further, though his eyes sparked a hopeful expression.

"The investigation is now closed. You did what you had to do, but we all knew that anyway and so do you." Paul walked in and took a seat in the chair across from his partner, "I, however, have been slacking as I never thanked you for saving my ass and Alex’s life."

"No big deal," He gave a wave of his hand, "As you said, I did what I had to do."

"Yes, but it was a big deal. Someplace under that annoyed expression you are still an angel and you had to kill someone. The fact that you did it for us makes it a huge deal."

"Fine. Consider it a payback then. You shot McArthur a ways back when he was ready to hurt Monica," Andrew smiled wryly, thinking about how long ago that was and how much had changed since then. Those had been some harrowing days, and even more heart wrenching times had lied ahead, but if the outcome was the same as it was now, he knew he wouldn’t trade most of it. He had been wondering ever since Monica had admitted to doing it all over again to be with him, if the same was true of him. Though he wouldn’t trade what they had together for anything in the world, he wasn’t certain he would ever be able to see her in such emotional pain again. To this day, it was the hardest thing he had ever done.

"Yeah, there is that, but we both know I’m no angel!"

His friend chuckled, "There are times when you are closer than you think, Paul."

"Lucifer probably thought that too," Paul pointed out with a grin.

"That was before even my time, but you may be right about him. But don’t sell yourself short. I think Monica gave you an honorary halo a long time ago." Paul chuckled and he continued, "How is Alex?"

"Good! Better than good actually. On the right track, definitely. There may still be some fallout from everything, but she’s tough. He may have thrown her for a loop, but he didn’t break her."

"She’s a special lady."

"Yeah, she is. We’re both fortunate in that respect, I’d say. Ready to to pick up dinner, my wife and son and head to your place?"

"It’s only three fifteen, Paul!" Andrew laughed, remembering the agent’s days of working long hours each and every day.

"Who gives a shit? There’s more important things to be done, like sharing Chinese takeout with my wife, and watching our son play. Holding your daughter. Being with friends."

"Sold." Andrew was already out of his chair and grabbing his coat from the back of it.

"Did I mention we are trying for baby number two?" He grinned as they headed for the door and then the elevator.

"Was wondering what the hell was taking you so long."

"Must have a girl now. You know how it is. One of these days you’re gonna want a son."

"I’m not sure if that is in the rules for us," Andrew remarked, but already wondering if there was any way for him to find out. He and Monica had already discussed that despite the problems and stress that had come from her pregnancy that every second had been worth what they had now in baby Grace.

Holding his wife while she was holding their daughter. Good friends. Yes, these things were worth everything to him. Though he had never once envied the human race, now that he was part of it, he was very reluctant to ever let it go.